Laughs

1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
4. If you think that someone who says "amen" while the pastor is preaching is charismatic.
5. If you complain because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
6. If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty all week.
7. If you woke up craving fried chicken one morning and interpreted it as a call to preach.
8. If you are old enough to get Senior Citizen's discounts at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into the Senior Adult Department.

9. If you think the epistles are probably the apostle's wives.
10. If you have ever donated an old piano to the church.
11. If you have ever arrived 10 minutes late for Sunday School and realized that you were the first one there.
12. If the WWF shows up to video tape your church business meetings.

Psychiatric Hot Line

A man experiencing a crisis in his life called the
toll-free Psychiatric Hot Line listed in the phone
directory. This is what he heard:

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot Line.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, repeatedly press 1.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, and 5.
- If you are suffering from paranoia, we know who
you are and what you want. Stay on the line until we
trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are bipolar, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.
- If you are depressed, push any button you wish. It
won't make any difference anyhow. Thank you for
your call."

1. You might be a Baptist preacher if you have never seen a super bowl game.
2. You might be a Baptist preacher if running red lights in a funeral procession makes
     you feel important.
3. You might be a Baptist preacher if your Monday devotions usually comes from Lamentations.
4. You might be a Baptist preacher if you are the only one who knows how to fill the church baptistery.
5. You might be a Baptist preacher if your Christmas bonus arrives in a cage in the back of
    a pick up truck.
6. You might be a Baptist preacher if your church members think Sunday is your day off.
7. You might be a Baptist preacher if you have ever lied at a funeral.
8. You might be a Baptist preacher if the finance committee often mistakes you for volunteer labor.
9. You might be a Baptist preacher if you have ever had a theological discussion about Adam
    and Eve's belly buttons.
10. You might be a Baptist preacher if your benediction on Sundays causes a great awakening.

***Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.

***The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.

*** The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen
in the basement on Friday afternoon.

***This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

***Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

***The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

***Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7P.M. Please use the
back door.

***The eight-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

***Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.

***Please pray for Mrs. Johnson. She will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.

Church Football Definitions:

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darnit, all of
you just shut UP!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in
there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you
Admiral.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the
penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new
socks on!"

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that
this is your "personal space."